crush

a glance

a stare

an interaction

an idea

a crush

for some

things happen so smoothly

it all starts with a first impression

you meet

you talk

you date

that’s it

for others

things progress sort of like a parking lot full of speed bumps

it’s awkward

difficult to explain

hectic

and stress inducing

for some

it’s incredibly easy

they can walk up to a person they’re interested in

say a hello

and boom

the rest is history

for others

there’s a push and shove

a “should I? should I not?” affair

sweaty palms

and a racing heart

pumping

buzzing

constricting

when i think about love

i can go on for hours

talking about these wispy romances

these happily ever afters

these dreams

that are really just dreams

i have never had a love

i can think about one

i can think about it until i fall asleep

until my brain absolutely can’t take it anymore

i can imagine

this knight in shining armor

who skateboards

and likes the same type of music as i do

who’s nice to his mom

and likes art museums

and looks like a real life “dream boat”

but i don’t know what love is

at least not the kind of love you see in romance movies

i know – of course

the kind of love you exchange with family

and friends

i know the feeling of not being able to live without them

not being able to imagine a future without them in it

but i don’t know that love, that unity, that i see all the time in movies

sometimes

when i stumble into a crush

or start to feel those impossible to ignore, icky, gooey feelings

i imagine everything that could come of it

either i get up the guts to talk to the guy

or continue in silent admiration

i always go with the latter

i remember

being cooped up in my bedroom on a rainy day

it was one of those days

i remember always feeling empty

always feeling alone

even when there were so many people around me

so many people to talk to

and i would say

“imagine if a boy liked me. imagine how different things would be.”

and i remember thinking i was the least favorable girl in the entire school

i remember getting so caught up in who i wasn’t

instead of concentrating on the reality of it all

the truth of the matter

is that everything i thought

was complete and utter trash

i didn’t realize

that a boy didn’t signify my worth

that the number of boyfriends girls had didn’t make them cooler

that a boy doesn’t get to determine who i am and what i have the capability to do

no

i haven’t had a first love

or even a real boyfriend for that matter

but that doesn’t make me lesser or greater than the next girl

it’s all a learning experience

growing up

means transitioning in all facets of one’s life

it means being able to try new things and adventure

it means having a crush

or two

it means not being afraid

just because you’re a woman

or a man

that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve a world full of love

because at the end of the day

it’s the icky, gooey feelings

the uncontrollable smiles that break free

the laughs that you can feel all the way to your toes

those

those are the things we live for

the moments when everything makes sense

it’s hard

and nerve-wracking

to act on a crush

to do something completely out of your comfort zone

so to those who do

i applaud you

because for some

it never gets past a single glance

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One Comment Add yours

  1. R H says:

    I wonder who your crush is? :O)

    Like

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